The biggest celebrity to ever come out of Ames, IA was seen at the Christmas Eve mass at St. Thomas!!! (the hippest Catholic Church in Ames – reality check folks: St. Cecilia’s is sooooo 90’s!) That’s right, I am talking about the one, the only … FRED HOIBERG!!!
(Fred’s BFF, JULIUS MICHALIK, was nowhere to be seen – sorry ladies!)
For those of you who are hopelessly out of the loop, Fred burst into the firmament of Ames’s celebrity scene as a star on the Ames High Little Cyclones basketball team and he remained loyal to our fair city by playing for the Iowa State Cyclones (or the “regular-sized Cyclones”, as we call them here in Ames!). After leaving Iowa State, it is my understanding that he spent many years as “the-white-guy-who-shoots-three-pointers” for various NBA teams. And rumor has it — just like the many “white-guys-who-shoot-three-pointers” in the NBA before him — he made the transition to management and is now the Assistant GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves! But Fred hasn’t let the success and fame go to his head: he was seated in the nose-bleed section of the St. Thomas balcony with the rest of the stragglers. No reserved VIP seats for Mr. Hoiberg! According to local legend, this b-baller’s vertical jump was literally SEVERAL inches, but we Ames-ians know that this hometown hero’s feet will always be planted firmly on the ground!
Fred may be humble, but he didn’t disappoint those with a craving for mega-watt celebrity glamour! Fred was looking quite dapper in a black mock turtleneck and gray slacks – even though the dress code of the parish seemed to call for nothing more than denim blue-jeans (Come on people! It’s Christmas Eve!). Way to keep it classy, Fred!
And could it be true? But there’s even more hot “goss” (“goss” is shorthand for “gossip.” Try to keep up, folks.)! Speculation has been running rampant through high-powered circles of elite Ames society that this was no innocent trip to visit Fred’s family (MR. HOIBERG and MRS. HOIBERG). If the rumors are to be believed, Fred is in Ames to explore the possibility of coaching his old team, THE IOWA STATE CYCLONES!!! Take a deep breath with me as we ALL try to regain our composure! The Cyclones (regular-sized) are having some trouble with their current coach (name unknown) and are apparently losing many games. On Christmas Eve-Eve (Dec. 23) NEVIN SEBASTIAN, ANDY LACZNIAK, TAMIM MAHAYNI, and other pundits and king-makers (with vaguely ethnic-sounding names) came to the unanimous conclusion that the ONLY person who could fill the void in the Iowa State Head Coach’s chair was FRED HOIBERG. And who should magically appear the next day (a Christmas miracle?) but none other than … FRED HOIBERG!!! Connect the dots for yourself folks!
In any case, this is the most exciting celebrity sighting in Ames since I saw GREG HESTER (“Hes-ter! Hes-ter! Hes-ter”) helping to move pews so the St. Thomas floor could be buffed. Hester seemed to enjoy moving furniture since, unlike NCAA basketball, it was an activity he could actually participate in.